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Four Possible Futures for Schrödinger’s Cat

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1. The Cat is Dead
Shit, your cat’s dead. Probably because that box is really, really small. How did you fit it in there to begin with? It was probably gone before you even stapled the flaps down. God… Also, I don’t think you’ve accomplished much aside from proving that you’re pretty irresponsible. You definitely didn’t illuminate any big contradictions about the observability of existence or its contingent relationship to measurement. That cat behaved exactly how any idiot would have expected it to in a box that small. Get it together, Erwin.

2. The Cat is Both Alive and Dead
Your cat is currently illustrating the most famous apparent contradiction of quantum mechanics. Your cat’s behavior is totally random and contradicts common sense (haha, cats ftw).

3. The Cat is Alive
Whew, what a relief. Man, this doesn’t really do much for me in terms of science, but this is a good cat and I’m glad he made it out of that box. He does look a little strange though… and listen…

[the cat begins mewling, softly, and its voice is feline and not-feline; as we listen, its cry expands and it becomes (as it always was) bovine and not-bovine, canine and not-canine, ursine and not-ursine. the sound grows and grows until we cannot tell whether the house is quiet or the world calm

4. The Cat is/[is/is not]/is not


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